Technically Speaking
by mistermisstep
Summary: The Ministry of Magic just passed a Marriage Law to increase Magical Britain's population. The horror! Good thing Hermione has a plan. (AU. One-shot. Gen.)


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**Technically Speaking**

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Hermione Granger was not a foolish witch. And because she was not a foolish witch, she had read every single word of the startling article that had landed on her breakfast plate courtesy of an overenthusiastic owl. She did not panic, although she developed a twitch under her eye; she did not scream because that was useless and quite the cliche; nor did her voice waver as she read aloud, although her expression grew darker with every word that dropped from her lips.

**MINISTRY PASSES MARRIAGE LAW**

_**2 September 1996**_

_**by Rita Skeeter**_

_In a tremendous display of foresight and brilliance, the Ministry have passed the Magical Marriage Law early this morning. The controversial law was signed in after it gained surprising yet rousing endorsements from respected Wizengamot members, including those of the Malfoy, Rookwood, and Mulciber families._

"What are they bloody playing at?" Ron interrupted.

_"Due to low wizarding birth rates and the increasing number of Squibs," Lucius Malfoy told the Wizengamot in an impassioned speech, "those of Pure-blood stock must wed individuals of half-blood or Muggle-born status to diversify the bloodlines and strengthen the British wizard population."_

"This is mad," Harry said. "Why would Voldemort want any of his followers to have 'impure' children? He's up to something."

"He's always up to something," Ron said, jabbing murderously at his eggs.

"They're probably trying to round up Muggle-borns somehow," Neville pitched in from Hermione's right side. He looked sheepish when several people stared at him as if he had just suggested that they all try to be best friends with Snape. "Well, it makes sense, doesn't it? I couldn't imagine Lucius Malfoy _wanting_ his prat-in-waiting to marry anyone who isn't Pansy Parkinson. So there, er, has to be another reason ..."

He trailed off, seemingly mortified by his bout of bravery.

"Parkinson and Malfoy? Merlin, could you imagine what the babies would look like?" one of the Weasley twins said from across the table.

"I'll try not to," said his other half. "I enjoy keeping my breakfast down."

Hermione skimmed several paragraphs of quotes from "important" Pure-bloods until she found something with less sycophantic praise involved. She raised her voice just a little to be heard over the suggestions of exactly how hideous Parkinson and Malfoy's potential children might be — she already knew the answer anyway, which was _very_. So she continued reading aloud.

_The law states in full:_

_Any Muggle-born witch or wizard who wishes to retain their rights as a magical citizen must wed a Pure-blood spouse. Half-bloods must wed either a Pure-blood or a Muggle-born, with preferences given to those of good stock._

"This just keeps getting better and better," Ron grumbled.

"More like madder and madder," Harry said.

_Blood-related offspring, at least two in number, are expected within the first seven years of marriage._

_If the above conditions are not met, any witch or wizard in violation of the law shall have his or her wand snapped and incur a fine of 100 Galleons minimum and/or possible prison sentence of no less than six months._

"Azkaban!" Ginny squeaked.

Ron muttered several foul things about Voldemort's parentage and sexual proclivities, one or two of which might've been true. Most sounded physically impossible. Giants, Umbridge, and the Giant Squid may or may not have been mentioned several times over.

Hermione lost track, really, though she couldn't quite disagree with the sentiment. She continued reading the deplorable excuse for journalism set before her, straight-backed and grim.

_No eligible British Wizarding citizen is exempt and these laws apply in or outside of the nation's borders. Anyone attempting to flee the country to avoid his or her duties shall be imprisoned indefinitely._

"Why would anyone want to run from this?" Harry said. "It's simply a dream come true."

"Right, mate?" Dean chimed in. "I've always wanted to be forced to marry someone who would probably kill me as soon as kiss me."

"Like a Dementor?" Seamus said.

"A Dementor would be a step up from some, like that Millicent Bulstrode." Dean shuddered.

"Being married to that Daphne Greengrass might not be so bad," Ron mused.

Everyone within earshot looked at him as if he had just remarked on how fanciable Filch was.

"What?" he said. "She's all right ... for a, er, dirty, awful, no-good Slytherin that is."

"Which one is she, again?" Harry said, sneaking a glance at a particular table in the Great Hall.

"Greengrass, the only Slytherin girl who matters."

"Don't think I've ever met her."

"She's the one with the ... well, you know," Ron said, moving his hands through the air as if tracing a very ample backside with them.

Understanding flashed over Harry's face. "You mean the one with the really, really, fantastic" — he noted Hermione's thunderous gaze then — "er, hair, right?"

"No, that's Perks."

"Who?" Harry said.

"She was Sorted in the same year as us. You know, the one who has the excellent" — here Ron gestured to his chest with two cupped hands — "even if they are a bit small."

Seamus said, "Nothing wrong with small, mate."

"If you ask me, big gets too much attention," Dean said.

"Here, here," Harry said.

"You're all barking," Ron said. "A bloke's got to have something to hang onto."

"Too right," Neville said.

Boys were perverts, the whole lot of them. Especially Ron. At that thought, Hermione's frown curved down farther than it already was.

"Madam Rosmerta has a lot to hang onto," Ginny said and then clapped a hand over her mouth.

Everyone went very, very quiet for what seemed like hours. Many eyes were turned in the direction of Ginny Weasley during the lull. Parvati's expression seemed almost ... intrigued.

A red-faced Hermione cleared her throat, not for the first time, although this was certainly the first time anyone had registered the noise. When no one interrupted, she continued with the article, which had very nearly become a casualty to the gutters of the teenage mind.

_The deadline for non-Ministry approved betrothals is 30 September 1996; after this date, all betrothals must meet the minimum standards of the Marriage Law as outlined in Subsection Twelve. (SEE PAGE C3 for details.)_

"I'm already tired of reading, and I haven't even been reading," Ron said. His head plonked onto Gryffindor table and he groaned. He quickly revived himself to take up his fork, however. Not even the Ministry could keep him from sausages. They were rather good this morning, sick and twisted "laws" notwithstanding.

Hermione continued reading undeterred, voice strong.

_Betrothals and marriages shall occur between eligible witches and wizards of any age. However, consummations of said marriages shall only occur for couples who are both of proper age. Upon coming of age, an eligible witch or wizard will be provided with a match within a month._

An ashen Lavender said, "Does anyone else find it a bit nasty that they haven't mentioned age limitations for partners at all? Because that is most definitely nasty."

"Don't forget disturbing," Parvati added over her goblet of pumpkin juice. "What if one of us had a contract from, I don't know, _Snape_ or someone else who is a thousand years old? Merlin, what if Dumbledore has to marry?"

"Or Trelawney?" Ron said

"What if Snape and Trelawney have to marry?" Harry said, looking rather green and regretful even before he finished speaking.

Everyone sat frozen in stark horror until Hermione started reading again.

_The naturally infertile are exempt and disqualified from marriage for the next ten years. Infertility induced by magic or potions to avoid the law will incur penalties of 500 Galleons minimum, five years Azkaban maximum._

"You know, this is a bit convoluted even for Voldemort," Harry said, ignoring the way that most people present twitched at That Name, even the Muggle-borns who really shouldn't have been conditioned to do so what with coming from a culture that didn't even know of Voldemort, something that was a bit ridiculous if you thought about, which he hadn't, not until that moment. It was something to think on later. "I mean, yeah," he continued, "we're talking about someone who took months to rig a school tournament, make sure I got to the final round, and sent me to a graveyard in front of hundreds, if not thousands of witnesses, but I think he might have a problem beyond the obvious. It's actually sort of ... sad."

"Yeah, now that you mention it," Ron said, "it does make you wonder how he got the rest of the nutters to go along with his 'dastardly' plans."

"Unforgiveables, probably," Dean said around a forkful of beans. He was gamely working his way through a full breakfast.

Seamus chimed in, "And pure madness."

"Merlin, what if someone has to marry You Know Who?" Lavender said.

No one answered as everyone was busy being sick. Forks clattered to plates and stomachs turned. Even Ron finally gave up on eating as the possibility of marrying Lord "No Lips" Voldemort settled over their minds. They did not have to contemplate this for long because Hermione finished reading.

_These laws shall not and cannot be repealed, revoked, or altered until the British wizarding population increases by the required twenty percent._

_So say we, the Wizengamot._

Hermione primly set aside her copy of the Daily Prophet, looked to her best friends, and said the words that they had not realized they had been longing to hear:

"I have a plan."

It was then in the din and movement of the Great Hall that the brightest witch of her age took up the greatest weapon she had — her quill — and used it. She spent the rest of that Sunday in the owlery sending letters to strange destinations.

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**MARRIAGE LAW SUCCESSFUL**

_**3 September 1996**_

_**by Rita Skeeter**_

_Thanks to the unexpected efforts of the International Confederation of Wizards, wizarding refugees from the world round now call magical Britain home. Yesterday's Marriage Law was repealed due to its goals being met. The addition of so many new individuals seeking asylum has raised our population levels up by the required twenty percent._

_The current Supreme Mugwump, Ercilia Quinones Espina, spoke highly of Wizarding Britain's "generosity to those in need" and vowed that the Confederation would be keeping a close eye on all humanitarian efforts and rights within British borders from this day forward, adding, "[...] the ICW has passed a ban on all similar marriage edicts so that other countries might follow the good example of that small island nation surrounded by so many concerned allies. We will be closely watching whatever our friends there come up with next."_

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**Notes:**

Written partly for the heck of it, but mostly because canon Hermione tried to loophole house-elves into freedom, and I like to think that she'd do the same for anyone else in similar trouble, including herself.

Although Marriage Law, like any trope, can probably be done well, I just can't imagine her putting up with it, and my disbelief is never fully suspended when reading those type of fics.

(Only lightly edited, because I don't really have the time for anything else.)


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